The Banshees shrieked as Weln entered the attic, his ascension up the
rickety stairs flying in the face of their warning. The cadre of ghost
trim floated through floor and ceiling to block his way.

“Did you not hear us, adventurer!?” They droned in tandem. “Your
amulet, top hat and tinted wrap-arounds will not save you from
An’Tiam. She cannot be stopped once she is free from her bonds! She is
a descendant of the old ones!”

Weln looked the ethereal 3-Set up and down and smirked. He knew this
would be child’s play.

“So you’re supposed to be a ghost? Heheheh, ok, ok, ok, cool, cool.”
He forced laughter through his teeth and and stepped toward the lead
entity.

“I am the guardian of the chest of Nur’Sabbat, a lost soul given an
order that I am doomed for all eternity to follow!” She moved from her
friends, meeting Weln’s challenge. He’d broken the set before he’d
even begun. He knew now it was time to move the newly formed U1S
(Undead, 1-Set) away from her friends, where he could safely engage in
Iso and Keno.

“Well, are you a special kind of ghost then?” Weln pulled his green
Oakley wrap-arounds, imbued with his father’s hook-up magic, down to
the tip of his nose.

“Well, I…I mean yes I suppose, wait, what?”

“Just because, I’ve seen a lot of ghosts, and your skin is so fine.
You look as though you got like, no sun, ever. Did you die without a
base tan?”

“I am a thousand years old, I do not need a base tan!’

Weln’s mind wandered back to the story his mother often told of how
his father had died, disemboweled by a werewolf who had claimed she
was DTF, but wasn’t. Weln shivered and cleared his thoughts. Focus on
the set!

‘No no, you’re right, totally. I mean some people just like to look
that way, I get it. It’s just…”

“Just what?”

“No it’s nothing. You’re fine, totally.”

“No, what!? Now you have to tell me!” She said, tucking an errant tuft
of ghost hair behind her ear. Weln reached forward, his hand passing
through hers in a near perfect Keno ping. The blue/green being giggled
at the sensation. Booya, Weln thought.

McCain Rider, Page 14

Dressing Room Requirements

1. Assorted Fruits and Vegetables, a mix of apples, oranges, carrots, celery, grapes and cucumber slices.

2. 1 Palette bottled water, Fiji brand.

3. 2 Duromax Durostar diesel powered generators.

4. 24 I.V. bags, mixed. Saline solution, ‘young blood’ (see addendum), Potassium Nitrate, Iodine/Pwenophyn mix.

5. 1 I.V. drip with new wheels/casters.

6. 1 8x8ft free standing steel cage w/ swinging door and set of of keys. Please note, shark cage NOT an option. Must be custom welded (see addendum).

7. 1 installation team for hyperbolic sarcophagus.

• Hyperbolic sarcophagus supplied by East Coast Talent. Contact for delivery schedule.
• Make no attempt to open or tamper with sarcophagus. Sarcophagus interior is kept at pressure equivalent to abyssal plane.
• Breaking seal before process is complete would create a ‘vacuum tear’ in the reality nearby the entryway.
• Any suggestion that client is inside sarcophagus is in direct violation of talent contract.
• Make no attempt to copy/draw/mimic the runes and symbols on the exterior of sarcophagus.

8. 24 Soda, mixed. Coke, diet coke, sprite, sunkist.

9. Assorted magazines and local newspaper.

The week’s Episode of The Bachelorette was all about growth for the infinitely wimpy Ashley. She showed an edge to her personality (finally!) that put all the guys on notice. Also, things got so awkward when the entire cast was sprayed with a stinging gas.

The show traveled to scenic Thailand, and while it was a welcome departure from the other drab locales, our men would only enjoy it for so long. Once arriving, the dashing Chris Harrison lets the boys know they will be tag-teaming their dates with Ashely (awkward! ((kinky!)) ). Each date will see both guys vying for attention and  in an ADDITIONAL surprise twist, each date will end with a spray of gas to the face.

To make matters worse, at the end of the date, Ashley must eliminate one of her suitors! And no matter what, everyone is getting stung by a weird blue/green gas of the producers’ own design. A look of excitement, doubt and fear washed over strapping Ben F.’s face as the news sunk in.

‘At first, I was most worried about the gas,’ said handsome potential beau-to-be Ben F. ‘But then I realized, since everyone was going to get sprayed, I should really focus on Ashely.’

As the proprietary and toxic mixture filled the tasteful dining room of ‘Le Femmes Tempres,’ you could tell it was really stinging. Tears, both emotional and gas related, streamed down every contestants’ face during the final deliberation.

‘It really hurt the skin on my face, and I still have red splotches on my hands, still.’ Ashley reported in her post-date testimonial. ‘I was sad to have to say goodbye to William. He was great, and he took the gas like a gentleman.’

When asked how he felt later that evening on ‘Late Night With Craig Ferguson,’ contestant William had an interesting perspective.

“I’d really like to know what kind of gas that was. It hurt me really bad to know that Ashley could eliminate me after watching me inhale that amount of gas. But no hard feelings. In the end it’s a game and I was happy to get out of the gas.”